Nine Personality Developmental Pathway
Hardwiring : Instinctual Gut intelligence – seeking control via harmony – and avoid/reframe anger to feel safe
Life Strategy – Go with the flow Strategy to get along
Beliefs :
Anger and conflict is very stressful and disconnects people – I must be peaceful, calm – blend in, don’t rock the boat, go with the flow.
FEAR: conflict.
Habit of attention :
Seeks personal balance and harmony with others, attention goes to others agendas, eliminating conflict by going along with others
Self identity:
I am calm, go with the flow, not assertive (for myself, but can be for others), patient, indecisive, soft, self forget, not hurried, good listener
“I am an easy-going person who tends to go with the flow. I hate conflict, it makes me feel sick in the stomach. I avoid it by going along with what others want and going with their agendas. I seem to be able to see all points of view easily. I am often indecisive because I can see everyone’s perspective. The ability to see all sides leads me to be more aware of other people’s positions, agendas, and personal priorities than of my own. It’s hard for me to know what my agenda is, to create my own agenda. It is not unusual for me to struggle to decide priorities, so I become distracted and get off task on the important things I’m trying to do. When that happens, my attention is often diverted to less important, trivial tasks, which I can get lost in. I have a hard time knowing what is important to me. People tend to consider me to be pleasing and agreeable. My energy is often low – It can be difficult to find energy to do the things I need to do. It can be hard for me to recognize when I am angry as I tend to push anger down as I fear anger will separate me from others. I like for life to be comfortable and harmonious and I like to take things easy. I can feel overlooked as I’m not assertive about my needs or opinions. I like structure and things to be familiar and comfortable. I am often self-forgetting because I go along with others to keep the peace. I am patient and a good listener….I would listen to a friend for ‘as long as it takes’. I tend be to be a little bigger in body, because I like comfort and exercise is hard!! I like things to be least effort (I don’t hurry) and I have a calm energy. I can manage resources, and tend to be both extroverted and introverted.
| Needs | Fear | Trigger | Strategies |
| peace, harmony, inclusion, to matter, belonging, participation | being disconnected and cut off, no belonging | Tension, someone cross with them, forced to make a timely decision and set priorities, being treated as not important | Not focusing on having a personal agenda, go with others wants, not assertive, avoid conflict or tensesituations, look out for tension, conflict, avoid, be honest, reliable to avoid conflict |
When strategies don’t work –
I can shut down and as a protection move to a feeling of ‘Indifference’ – Im not really indifferent – but its unconsciously ‘refusing to be bothered ‘ especially if I cant problem solve something– I go with the flow to get along and avoid conflict, outwardly accommodating myself to others – merging, self-numbing/forgetting, can become passive aggressive, judgmental of others behavior, which may unconsciously invite conflict
Blindspots of the Nine PDP: Passive-Aggressiveness/own anger
People with the 9 PDP go along with others wants because they are so scared of conflict. They feel so uncomfortable when they sense even a small amount of tension that they form a habit of going along with what others want so they don’t “rock the boat” and hope that others cant get cross with them if they are always doing what the others wants. However this unconscious strategy doesn’t work. Finding it very difficult to clearly know and state their needs or true desires , over time resentment of not knowing and expressing themselves comes out as passive-aggressive. For instance, they may get out of performing an unpleasant task by procrastinating, being forgetful, making promises that they do not keep, and so forth. They say yes because they fear saying no will cause conflict. Others can be frustrated by their seeming stubbornness, and by the 9 not knowing what they want – and this leads to conflict! And because the 9’s most important need is to feel like they matter – their unconscious strategy to not know or say what they want means they can feel overlooked – which leads to them feeling like they don’t matter. They think they are nice and peaceful – and they are, but they are also the opposite – like every other human being.
Their blindspot is their own agenda and their anger, and how that comes out in passive aggressive ways.
Growth – to learn what is important to them and to know their opinions and needs – which are of equal importance to everyone elses – and find ways to get these needs met. To recognise anger in their body and own it – and when appropriate learn to be able to express that in respectful ways that honours their truth …..this will raise their energy and resolve their internal tension. To be able to speak their truth and be heard. Their opinion matters.
Working out what is right action – finding their priorities/being decisive and assertive. Learning to create their own structure. Most importantly knowing they matter – the same as everyone else.
Reflection questions
- Reflect on the above information – when do the beliefs above help you in life, when do they help your partner? When do they not help you, or not help your partner? Could they potentially cause conflict? How true are they really?
- Reflect on where your attention goes? ….and consider then where your attention might not go?
- What situations most trigger you? How are your needs and triggers similar or different to your partners?
- Can you think of times you’ve used these ‘strategies’ above and did they work? When did they not work?
- Attempt to fill in your PDP Map, putting in just the information that it is true for you
- Then compare the differences between your PDP Map and your partners – knowing each is an equally valid way to be in the world……and makes complete sense.