Many partners get to a point in their relationship where they feel unheard, misunderstood, unappreciated & frustrated, & fall into an Infinity Trap – repeating patterns of conflict that don’t resolve. And thinking ‘we’re just too different’, or ‘they’ve changed – this is not who I thought I was marrying’, or labelling each other’s character as ‘flawed/wrong’ –only creates defence, blame and shame. And this disconnect from one another is hugely painful. The one person who is supposed to have your back and be your solace – is the person you perceive is the cause of your hurt. This can create attachment trauma, which too often is not identified so not healed, and leads to separation and divorce.
Please know – the challenges – they are not your fault. And interestingly – they are not your partner’s fault. I know you might like to think they are. However, thinking so creates blame, judgement and division. Trying to make your partner understand they are ‘wrong’ will only get you ONE thing – not heard.
The real problem, the root cause, is misunderstanding and misinterpreting each other’s needs and reactions that leads to judging and blaming…which leads to feeling disconnected. We all have some psychological wounds from childhood and growing up – and when we haven’t identified these nor healed them – we step on each others wounds unintentionally and trigger each others pain…..and then get defensive and reactive and blame our partner for ‘causing’ the wound (which they didn’t). Another problem is unidentified, nor expressed, needs. Especially the needs we didn’t get met as children. If they weren’t met back then, we are unconsciously too scared to ask for them to be met now in case they once again don’t get met. However, so many of your behaviours are strategies to get those very important needs met. Because these needs are often not identified clearly its a challenge to cleanly express what you need – and so it’s often done in a blaming way – angry at your partner for not doing or saying something they should have already known to do or say if they really loved you! The great relationship dilemma is misunderstanding each others core beliefs and motivations, unidentified and unhealed wounds, and poorly expressed needs. It’s not difference that’s the problem.
You actually got attracted to each other for the very reason you are now struggling. Difference IS the attraction. You each have gifts that the other needs. It’s in our primary relationships, with the person closest to us that we get to know who we really are. Spending so much time together you are bound to push each other’s buttons from the past & step on each other’s core wounds from childhood. You are in this relationship to heal and grow each other. If you know how. Or you can hurt each other. There is a choice.
The work at the Agency helps couples create an ATTUNED relationship – where each person’s differences and experiences are honored and used to grow each other. When each partner understands both sets of needs are equally important and as valid as one another’s, it increases motivation to willingly support each other’s needs, now and consistently into the future. And when you know each others wounds and vulnerabilities you can also know how to be the best support and agent of healing you can when your partner gets triggered. This way you avoid falling into the Infinity Trap and stay attuned to each other.
The result is you each feel heard, understood and valued. Where you each can speak your truth and be heard & understood, creating emotional safety and a deep connection. Being attached & your authentic selves, each other’s person & agents of healing for one another throughout life.