Two Personality Developmental Pathway
Hardwiring : Emotional intelligence – seeking connection – avoid distress through disconnection – so learned to connect via helping/sensing others needs
Life Strategy : Supporting/helping/focussed on others Strategy
People will only be loved if they give – I must support and help others, minimise and not focus on my own needs, only focus on identifying and meeting others needs. FEAR: not being needed/loved.
Habit of attention
What do others feel/need, feeling worthwhile through helping, noticing how others respond to them, being liked, appreciated by others, moving towards others, on connecting
helpful, supportive, generous, selfless, see others needs and meet them, minimize my own needs, positive, warm
“I am a positive, helpful and giving person, who is aware of other people’s feelings. I can see the best in people. I can see what they need, even when I don’t know them. It’s easy for me to give of myself. Maybe I need to get better at saying no, because I end up putting more energy into caring for others than into taking care of myself. It hurts my feelings if people think I’m trying to manipulate or control them when all I’m trying to do is understand and help them. I like to be seen as a warmhearted, supportive and caring person, and I feel at my best when Im helping others. Good relationships mean a great deal to me, and I’m willing to work hard to make them happen. I have some pride in being able to connect with/relate to difficult people. So when I’m not appreciated for my kind, thoughtful efforts, I can become emotional and angry. I care about my image/presentation. I tend to have good eye contact, smile, am warm, lean towards people and am affectionate. I tend to be busy and productive, and tend to be extroverted”.
|Needs||Fear||Triggers||Strategies to meet Needs|
|LOVE, connection, appreciation,|
validation,to be seen, for attention,to serve/contribute
|being unloved and unwanted, not needed, feeling rejected,unappreciated||I’m not appreciated for my thoughtfulness/efforts, I have too many needs to meet, being taken for granted, not being supported as I would support others,others not being generous/thoughtful or welcoming as I would be, not feeling loved, feeling disconnected from others, especially famly||to be warm, move towards, connect, predict other’s needs and meet them, to become indispensable to people I care about, to note how others feel and respond to connect, to work out the expectations and meet them, reframe to the positive, to be helpful, productive supportive and useful to others|
Gift : Huge heart, considerate, thoughtful, loving, sees potential in people, care deeply about love and relaitonships
When strategies don’t work to get connection:
Pride – helping and not needing help- over emphasis on ‘let me do it’ – can become intrusive, supporting/ doing for others what they can do for themselves, increasing distress re efforts not being appreciated – resentment and anger, newly expressed expectations of others (to be more appreciative, supportive like they themselves are), if feel unappreciated over time can cut their connection with others
Blindspots of the Two PDP: Own Needs / Demandingness (when needs not met over along time).
People with the Two PDP are highly attuned to others needs – because their sense of worth in the world comes from helping – and this over attention on others results in their own needs being a blind spot. They are so thoughtful and do so much for others – they can feel hurt when others don’t recognise they too have needs and that others don’t seem to be as thoughtful in meeting the 2’s needs and the 2 person would be meeting others. This can create resentment. Its very difficult with the 2 PDP to understand that others don’t have that same capacity to pick up on and focus on other peoples needs like they do. It hurts that they give special treatment to people they care about and don’t always receive the same back. Underneath they can think but ……“but that’s what I would do for you.” Then when their giving gets exhausting and their own needs have gone unmet over a period of time, the hurt turns into anger and resentment. This resentment is difficult to own because they pride themselves on being selfless – so identifying and acknowledging a need is in fact very difficult.
The blindspot is their own needs. And this is a problem because the strategy of denying their own needs cant persist (because they have needs like everyone else on the planet) so when their needs aren’t met over time they can become, unconsciously, demanding of having them met. “I deserve this’ – I’m ‘owed’ this… thoughtfulness/support/validation/appreciation/recognition (whatever the needs are). Can also unconsciously be intrusive in others lives – helping where it is may not be actually needed.
To focus on and care for themselves as they do for others. This requires identifying and owning needs – and then learning to express them (without judgement or resentment) to others – earlier on in relationships. To ask before moving automatically to helping – as the constant doing can exhaust them and this may result in resentment.
Reflect on the above information – when do these beliefs help you in life, when do they help your partner? When do they not help you, or not help your partner? Could they potentially cause conflict? How true are they really?
Reflect on where your attention goes? ….and consider then where your attention might not go?
What situations most trigger you? How are your needs and triggers similar or different to your partners?
Can you think of times you’ve used these ‘strategies’ above and did they work? When did they not work?
Attempt to fill in your PDP Map, putting in just the information that it is true for you
Then compare the differences between your PDP Map and your partners – knowing each is an equally valid way to be in the world……and makes complete sense